| |
|
| |
Off Balance
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Well, I've finally started to go to University a bit. Term commenced about 3 weeks ago, and I've managed a staggering THREE DAYS of attendence during this time.
I know quite well why this is. It's because I hate everyone on my course. In fact, I hate everyone. I'll elaborate on this later.
I really didn't enjoy University for the first months in year one. I planned to quit, and came *this* close. Then, after Christmas, I continued to struggle, but then really came to enjoy the course more and more right up until we broke for the Summer.
At the start of this year, I didn't do so well. I didn't turn up a lot. I started to gain ground a bit but in general I just majorly crashed and burned during the first semester. Since coming back after Christmas, I've really done nothing at all.
Anyone noticed a pattern here?
Yep, I suck after a holiday. At everything. It takes me a very long time (particularly compared to the average Joe) to get used to being around a lot of people after being isolated during a holiday.
It's typical "Adam" behaviour: I'm rude. I display a lack of awareness for other people's feelings even more then usual. I'm lazy. I really just dont care. Best of all, I hate everyone I talk to on a daily basis. The only exception is Aaron, who I'm used to spending time with because we're domestic partners. I don't mean homosexuals. Throw in James and Rob, who I've known for ages.
And by "hate", I mean I feel a burning desire to punch anyone I'm talking to in the face. I want you to leave me alone. Yep.
And it's nothing to do with the person in question, of course. I really love all of my friends who I see, and I appreciate you all tremendously. The reason for my dislike is that I'm being defensive.
Everyone knows I've always struggled with dealing with people and that. It's quite petrifying for me, particularly when I'm not used to it. So I put up a guard where I force people away. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEFENCE MECHANISMS. It's really annoying, but I just have to work through it till I'm comfortable again.
I panic quite a lot too. I'm trying to avoid buses and situations where I have to sit still and the like, as I get outbursts inside where I suddenly feel compelled to leave a room, or something, and just go and sit in my room or somewhere where I'm not being watched. Notice today when I left the court, if you'd watched me leave you would have noticed I went into the toilet for ten minutes rather then going down the stairs to the exit. To stand in a cubicle alone. Yep -- It has become apparant that I'm mental.
(Also, and this is odd-but-true, I feel compelled to take my clothes off when I feel paniced. Weird-o.)
I suggest you make a check-list of my typical behaviours and see if you can spot them. Then it's a game. For instance: "Needlessly causing conflict" or "Demonstrating a huge ego". First one to get them all gets the prize. You can always tell if I've had one of my panic spells because I will do the slightest twitch or try to twist my neck or crack my fingers, i'll start shifting in my seat (if I'm sat down) and I'll have goosebumps up and down my arms.
Anyway, I am sorry if I upset anyone. It's just something that really effects me. Actually, having written it down now I'm considering investigating this with a doctor or something, as it's something that really effects me. AH well. Sorry everyone. I'm not actually mental or anything, and I don't want to upset you.
Please bear with me xx
Entry by Adam
Comments (0)
Since Wednesday, 4 February 2009
|
| | |